Second, bipolar means that in addition to having prolonged times of normal moods, my moods uncontrollably will shift to either manic (high mood) or depressive. These shifts last for an extended period. I'm not happy one minute and sad the next. These moods are persistent. They can last from several days to several weeks before either transitioning back to normal or to the opposite mood.
I have Bipolar Type 2, so I don't experience "full on" mania (which can cause extreme delusions and very risky behavior). I experience what is called "hypomania." I still call it "manic" though. When I am manic, I experience it in one of two ways. The first way is amazing. I feel like I am on top of the world. Imagine the best mood you have every been in, like the most amazing thing happened to you. Times that by 10. That is how I feel. I don't even need much sleep because I have TONS of energy. I believe I am untouchable. I can do anything! This is when I get what are called "big ideas." If you have known me for a while, or if you have been my friend on facebook, you may have witnessed some of these moments. Let me give you some examples of these big ideas: I'm going to teach! I'm going to change my major to Addiction Counselor! I'm going to go back to retail, my work restrictions be damned! I'm going to start my own business! I'm going to sell my nice car and buy a piece of shit BMW, because BMWs are COOL! I'm going to buy and finance a car ON MY BOYFRIEND'S BIRTHDAY! The list goes on... Pretty much any of the big life changes or tasks that you have seen me take on that fell through or just plain didn't make sense...that was the mania talking. I'm also very impulsive. Shopping is dangerous for me. I used to buy hundreds of dollars of stuff from work and the mall and sneak it into the house.
The second type of mania is not fun at all. I have the high energy of the first type of mania. Only instead of being elated and overly optimistic, everything and everyone is irritating as hell. Irritating like nails on a chalkboard. When I was working I would cope by doing work in the backroom (organizing, filing, sorting shipment), but I realize now that the times when I was really hard on my employees were the times I was in this type of mania. I can't imagine that I was an easy boss to work for. Now it is difficult when I feel like this, because I have a two-year-old that is establishing her individuality. She throws tantrums when something upsets her because she doesn't have the words yet to describe how she feels. I have to just breathe and walk away and talk myself out of the irritability that I am feeling. It is extremely challenging. I may be able to curb acting on any impulses to spank my daughter but I haven't quite learned how to keep from saying mean things to my husband. Also when I feel like this I am highly paranoid. At work it would manifest as I constantly thought I was being spied on by people from corporate (even though I wasn't doing anything wrong). Now I worry about getting kicked out of our apartment, getting kicked off the assistance we are on, getting pulled over, anything. Even though I don't do anything wrong, I am paranoid that someone will find something wrong. It is the worst kind of edge to be on.
Now for depression. Where to begin... It feels as if there is no point in doing anything because I'm doomed to failure anyway. I sleep...a lot. I'm just always exhausted. It is hard because I think a lot about what could have been, especially with my career in retail. The worst of it I experienced when I was pregnant and right before Audrey turned 1. I did not want to live anymore. The timing was horrible...I was on a hormonal roller coaster from being pregnant and breastfeeding. Stress at work was at an all time high. I thought I was going through post-partum depression. Unfortunately, before I was diagnosed, I thought that when I was manic (the first type) that was my normal mood, so everything else felt like depression by comparison. It is really hard to explain, but the people I worked with saw my behavior get really erratic. I was grasping at straws...hoping for someone to take away the stress because I honestly could not handle it. Death felt like a viable option. (DON'T WORRY! Now I have tools to handle when I start to feel like this! I also haven't felt like this since I've been diagnosed and put on meds.)
January 6, 2012 was the day my husband took me to the hospital and I began my path towards recovery. He helps me be better every day. I am so thankful for his understanding and empathy. He is my voice of reason when I am impulsive or have big ideas. He cheers me up when I am feeling blue. He understands when I just can't deal with being around people. He has stayed home from school or bailed on his friends to stay with me when I need him around. Without him, I don't know that I could make it.
